GRAVITY has a lot to answer for you know. Every time I get on the bathroom scales they scream for mercy, but if there was, say, half Earth gravity my weight would be quite acceptable. You can't go too far and wish for no gravity though. For one thing the Earth's atmosphere would take a hike, and for another your cereals wouldn't stay in the bowl at breakfast time.
So gravity, in some form or another, is a good thing. Now then, what do you know about Newton's Law of Gravitation and Einstein's General Theory of Relativity? If you're the smarmy pseudo intellectual type who bought Stephen Hawking's book because you thought you were doing your bit for the disabled and anyway it was all rather cosmic, you probably know nothing at all.
However, if you did read the book - and it was heavy going in places - then you undoubtedly know what I'm talking about. If so, skip the next few paragraphs.
So what the hell are you on about Duncan? I hear you asking. Well obviously I don't actually hear you asking, unless you happen to be reading this review aloud one day in WH Smiths and I'm stood next to you. However, it serves as a lead into a short lecture on the subject in hand.
The Space Time Continuum is what it's all about. This is a four dimensional (your usual three, plus time) model of, well, the universe and everything. Planets and suns are like heavy balls on the rubber sheet of space
Anything reaching the edge of the well is bound to be attracted because of gravity. And it's downhill as well. Heavy suns, your white dwarfs and red giants have large gravity wells, but heaviest of all are black holes.
These are collapsed suns, infinitely heavy in the centre. They naturally have great big gravity wells. In fact, they are so heavy, that scientists postulate that your metaphorical ball on the rubber sheet distorts space so that it actually reaches somewhere else in the space
This hole leading elsewhere is known as a singularity, and perhaps, just perhaps, one day we might have the technology to ride down the singularity and come out at the other end. Alive and not terminally squashed.
Which leads me to the game Gravity, which uses a very attractive display of the space
If you want to jump from one end of space to another, down the gravity well of the black hole you go. This is the future. A future where man is colonising the stars and terraforming the planets.
This is also where the Outies come in. Horrible alien life forms that they are, they have decided to eradicate us before your own team of xenophobes eliminates them.
We do this to each other by blasting apart our ships with a variety of weapons, and by turning the opposing team's sun into a black hole or a black hole into a sun.
The Outies get Ready Brek from heavy radiation from black holes, so if they turn the sun where your home base is into a black hole, you're scuppered. Equally, if you manage to turn their black hole into a sun they are kebabbed.
To aid in this quest of galactic genocide, you have a fleet of 15 ships, which can be ordered around to investigate, explore, fight aliens and colonise worlds. If the ship you are on is blasted to bits, you automatically transfer to another one. Thus this is a very tactical game rather than a romp around the galaxy killing things.
Think first, then go and nuke 'em.
To aid in the process you have drone ships, which can be programmed by an icon-
This applies to the game in general, thanks to a manual which describes all the systems - defence, weapons, orders, the dreadful 3D map in the Holotank, tools for terraforming and colonising planets - but nothing about how you actually do these things.
And when something doesn't appear on a menu when the manual says it is on that menu, you start to wonder what the hell is going on.
Hours of frustration mark the beginning of the game. A quick tip if you're looking for a singularity to go down is to follow the dark blue line on the long range scanner; the brown ones lead to suns and planets.
Once you get into the game, though, you'll admire the rolling space
But you'll also be irritated by the fiddly control, unimpressed by the way the control panels jerkily scroll on the screen, and eventually, eventually, play the game long enough to realise that Gravity is a tactical wargame with flash graphics and all action combat scenes.
But to be honest, it is not that interesting. Gravity ain't heavy at all.