WELL, Brian, I do not really know why they made me manager of a second division football club. I did not even know that there was an English league team going by the name of Green's Park Rangers (honest) but you might say it was cut out for me.
How do I rate my chances against the other 16 teams? Well, I have got a good set of lads who are all willing to give 100 per cent on the day. You cannot say fairer than that. Back in the dressing room I had a quick look over my players. I had a complete breakdown of the player's skills - their ability in different positions, their fitness and most importantly their worth on the transfer market. Things were not looking too good on the yacht front at that moment. Who was this Lineker guy anyway? And why did my goalie have such a good attack rating?
After hurrying back to my office I took out the manual I had been given. Unfortunately, it did not do me much good. The finer points of play were not mentioned and neither was the scoring system for the league table - PWDL this is not.
I checked the fixtures list. Our first match was at home to Plymouth Argyl. Sure to be a crowd-puller I reckoned, so I made my first financial decision and bumped up the ticket prices. There was no fuss, it was as easy as moving a slider with the mouse pointer.
Selecting the team for the big match was equally as easy. I just put up a few markers to show the team which position to play in, because I could get them to play out of position if I was stupid or desperate enough. I decided on a classic 4-4-3 formation and chose the two subs.
I took position pitch side and decided to watch only the match highlights. It reminded me of playing Football Manager on my C64. From this distance the players looked exactly like hardware sprites and they certainly did not seem too athletic. They just seemed to hit the ball backwards and forwards until it went into the net or out of my field of vision.
Although my team were playing in red and the opposition in purple, the crowd all seemed to have blue and white scarves. Must have got lost, I suppose. Their incessant chanting got on my nerves after a while. I will never walk alone among that lot.
Come to half time we were down two-nil. How the goalie managed to pick up a yellow card I will never know. I swapped in the subs and sent them out again. This time I told them to be as meek as lambs. I did not want to risk any suspensions.
I could not face watching the match, so I just peeked at the scoreboard every now and then - it seemed to make the game go quicker. Full time score: 6-1.
"Well Brian, what can I say? I believe that football is about two halves of 45 minutes and at the end of the day perhaps we were a little unlucky in that the other side scored more goals".
Right. Next time I would be ready. I packed the whole team off to an expensive training camp. This toned up their skills a bit and got them really fit. A few dabbling on the transfer market got rid of my troublesome goalie and gained the team an excellent striker. This time I told them to go all out for it. No more namby-pamby staying out of trouble, I upped their aggressiveness to four of nine. Final score: 3-2 to us.
"Completely over the moon, Brian. I mean, we literally won this match in the dressing room. Now if you will excuse me, I have a man to see about a yacht..."