HERE is the secret of how to get a mediocre game noticed: Add a bit of implied sexual interest. The punters will flock to it in droves, even if it has all the charm and sophistication of a road accident.

Emmanuelle is based upon the infamous book by Emmanuelle Arsan, which is all about her, um, exploits in the more, er, lively parts of Brazil. Your task is to find the elusive Emmanuelle and return with her to Paris.

You can travel between the major cities of Brazil by plane, or back to Paris if you give up or find Emmanuelle. Hotels are the major rendezvous points, where you can get information about various characters or even Emmanuelle herself.
Conversations between yourself and various ladies of usually dubious repute are necessary to get further information or services which won't do your energy level any good at all.

Three conversation options are open at each stage. One is the right one, one is the smooth one and one is the crass one. Since they're all translated from the French, and badly too, all turn out to be the hilarious one.

The casino can either make you or lose you all the money you need. Lucky charms can be bought in the poor part of the town, the favelas. The most expensive item is a toucan - I suppose you can give it as a toucan of your esteem...

The game is mouse controlled with the really annoying trait of no multitasking. Once the action has started there is no way to do anything else but wait - the lift movement in the hotel takes a while and very little happens during that time. Yawn.
The beach is the funniest part out of a general them of unwitting crass humour. You can bask about on the boats or liaise with the various female characters who laze about on the sand. The graphics and animation here are meant to leave nothing to the imagination. Unfortunately both are of such a low quality that virtually everything is left to the imagination.

The beach's best part must be the fight scenes with the various male baddies. It takes the standard combat game scenario but with a bit of a difference. You are the seven stone weakling on the left and the bear on the right is your opponent.
Unless you have had expensive martial arts training your weapons are the face slap, the "Look, what's up there?" or pulling down the opponent's trunks. The two distraction techniques are accompanied by neat sound effects, especially from the ursine opponent. I laughed like a drain all the way through this bit.

Nobody's going to get any kicks from Emmanuelle. The graphics, animation and sound are generally bad with the gameplay tedious and repetitive. Tomahawk should have forgotten about the main dubious objective and expanded the beach fight sequence into a full game because it's the only bit which raises the boredom level off the lower stop.

This kind of production shouldn't really be encouraged - we're deviant enough wanting to waste 90 million types of aliens a day. What would games be like if they really had a high score table? Are we so sick that we need this kind of synthesised stimulus? Do we not have enough critics without the Whitehouse gang muscling in on the act? Why oh why oh why do I ask these crassola Points of View questions?

If you need this kind of thing, you're probably better off going back to the top row of the magazine rack. It would be cheaper and magazines don't get viruses, as a rule. Live in the real world - it may get bad sometimes, but at least it doesn't crash.