OK, everyone knows that our lass Elvira has got a large chest, but on the grounds of decency this review will be a breast-
You may well remember Elvira's first computer appearance a year and a half ago - Elvira: Mistress of the Dark - and you might also remember that the computer press fell in love with her and the game.
I didn't actually play the first game, but I heard a lot about it. Dan and Darren have both played it and they assure me that it was "all right". Look at that, they're both fully-
Hmmm I don't know, you just can't get the staff these days.
Now we go straight to two bods at Accolade having an in-depth chat about Elvira and her, er, amazing adventure games.
"Blimey that first Elvira game was a bit smart."
"Yes it was, wasn't it? And it was heralded as Role-
"Yes it was, you noggin."
"OK, tell you what - let's do another game featuring our busty chum."
"Hmm, but what can we do?"
"Well, perhaps we can do one where she runs around half-
"Just stop it right now. Anyway, we did that last time."
"This time you get a choice being a, er..."
"Yea, smart one, a computer programmer, and what else, ummm..."
"Stuntman, just like Lee Majors."
"Brill I don't know where you get these groovy ideas from!"
"What about a knife thrower - yes, my uncle's a knife thrower."
"Er, OK then."
"To top it all off, you can be a boring private eye."
"Oh no! Not a poncey priave eye like Magnum."
"Yes, sorry it's in the Software Trade Descriptions Act."
"What about a milkman or a..."
"Right, I think that's enough people for now."
"OK, where is it going to be set?"
"Hmm, that's a toughie."
"Let's say that Elvira now owns a Hammer Horror film studio."
"Yesss, what a cool idea!"
"And, and she gets kidnapped by, er..."
"Oh do behave!"
"You are forgiven. Hmm, now who can she get kidnapped by?"
"Can't we just use the spooky evil force again?"
"Hmm, it'll just to do. We haven't got much time."
"I've got a cool idea."
"Well, this spooky evil force can take over all the studio and the film sets and he can make all the props and spooky film stuff come alive and this can, like, scare people away and, like, if anyone comes after Elvira these scary props can kill anyone who sticks their nose in!"
"I'm lost for words, that is bloody brill."
"Yeah and an ideal opportunity for a smart graphical gorefest."
"Yea, buckets and buckets of the stuff!"
"What about the control system?"
"Hmm, do we change it or what?"
"Well sort of, let's just position the controls everywhere and add a few extras like, err..."
"Yep, more spells and loads of other twiddly bits."
"Now we both know that Elvira helps to sell the game, but how can we incorporate her into the game if she's been kidnapped?"
"Gosh, I didn't think about that. Right, OK, give me a minute..."
[A minute passes, and then another, and another...]
"Got it! Right, if whoever is playing the game is doing really badly, then Elvira can mystically pop up and give you some cryptic advice."
"Sounds good to me, and don't forget the jiggles."
"Oh yes, those jiggles, sorted."
"Marvellous, how do we do it?"
"One other thing though - what are we going to call it?"
"No, it hasn't got enough, you know, enough ummmff."
"What about Elvira 2 - The Jaws of..."
"Nope, that's far too naff, how about a word that doesn't relate to the game but sounds dead good."
"Naaah, to unpronounceable. What about Cerber?"
"Hmm, I like it. Bit short though. Cerber, Cerber, Cerberus - yankee doodle candy, I've got it! Cerberus!"
"Yesss, let's tell the others and get on with the game."
So, that's how games are made. It obviously requires a lot of time and skill.
Elvira 2 is kinda like Elvira 1 but, it's got slightly better graphics. The control system is the same, but it's got loads more spells and a completely useless motion tracker that ells you where your enemies are. I couldn't make it out, but maybe that's because I wasn't that interested in the motion tracker.
No, I had other things troubling my mind, like big beasties trying to eat me alive. That's in the game, of course, not in real life - well maybe Dan could be described as a big beastie, but I doubt it he really is one.
Overall, Elvira 2 is well worth buying. It's not as if I'm a press officer for Accolade, but just check this out.
Graphically it's a dream - everything is drawn well and you can work out what all the things are. The control system becomes second nature after only a few short minutes, thus making the game enjoyable to play.
On the sound front, there are quite a few tunes and they change depending o where you are in the game - for example, when you ar in the graveyard there is a really spooky tune which adds buckets of atmosphere to the game. You can easily lose yourself in a game like this - I found myself wandering around exploring and you know what? It's bloody great fun.
Speaking of fun, there's plenty to be had in this so-called "adventure" game, especially when you find the make-up room, but I'll leave you to find that out for yourselves. Oh, and a hard drive is definitely recommended because Elvira 2 has a lovely six disks for you to swap and change.
I don't know what really attracted me to the game (ahem, we do - Ed), but once inside there is no escape - well, until it's time to leave the office and go home, anyway.
Overall Elvira 2 is "all right", ha ha ha arf arf arf. Oh dear, Dan put that mallet down. Daz, why are you carrying that Black and Decker power drill? Can't you guys take a joke...?