SO there I was, reading the instructions to DragonScape on the bus, and I'd just got to the section where it said there is a loud bang and flash and you ind yourself transported to the magical land of Tuvania, when, what do you know, there was a loud bang and a flash. I looked eagerly out of the window, strapping on my mighty codpiece shiny mithril armour and trusty rune-engraven quarterstaff.

Where was the mysterious land of magic and heroical conquest? To my disappointment I saw that the bus had blown a tyre, the mithril was really my sandwiches wrapped in bacofoil and the rune-engraved quarterstaff was the walking stick of the old geezer sat next to me.

I got off the bus in complete disgust, reading the rest of the instructions and muttering, "Who writes this rubbish?" I mean, the next section went on about how you mounted this dragon called Garvan, who apparently didn't complain at all, and went off in search of the eight artefacts of Tuvania. How ridiculous, I thought, looking around me. How many dragons do you see in Arnos Grove? I mean, you can go for days without seeing a human, never mind a dragon.

By the time I got home I'd sussed out that you were supposed to fly around on this dragon's back, collecting artefacts one at a time and depositing them on top of an associated icon. Do this with all eight and you were magically transported to the next dimension, there being four dimensions in all. Complete them all and the land is saved and you can re-format your disc or sell it to Dodgy Darren down the market.

Hmmm, despite initial skepticism, I was ready to experience the world of DragonScape. I was ready to mount that dragon, to collect artefacts and torch any one that put his ugly face anywhere near my dragon's snout.

I connected the alcohol drip, sat in the specially moulded chair, slid the disc into the drive, and bellowed, "Hit me!".My brother promptly thwacked me across the pate with a meat tenderizer. And there I was, floating along on a dragon torching any sucker that got fresh, while figuring out which object went with what. The shining mithril armour was there again, but hang on a minute, I thought we were supposed to be scouring a medieval landscape, a fantasy land.

What's the first dimension? A printed circuit board, with radios, batteries, satellite dishes and bombs as the artefacts and matching icons. Erm, erm, something isn't quite right here. Still, it's not that hard as long as you keep refreshing your dragon spirit by running over the P icon that floats around.

Aha, the next dimension is more like it. Invisible traps that stop the dragon in its tracks, ugly alien type things, proper artefacts, and a nice blasted wasteland for scenery.
If the first dimension was very straightforward, just time consuming, this one was downright unfriendly. There were people and monsters and strange blue things shooting at me. And umph!, who put that force field there, just as a horde of blobbos were swarming. Aaaarrgghh...

Later I regained consciousness, the drip hanging loosely by the chair, contents exhausted. Was it all a figment of my computer? I checked the bacofoil and deemed that it was. But it was a reasonably satisfying experience I thought. Maybe, I'll try again.